Feeling Spiritual - Amy

If you have seen one of my other blog posts you will have seen that last year I started a yoga class at SRSB. Yoga has helped me quite a lot recently and I haven’t really realised how much until I sat and thought about it properly. 

For the past five years I have known that at some point in the future I would need an operation. They were delaying it as much as they possibly could because of my other health problems. They said it would be quite risky and I wasn’t really in any pain. So they said it wouldn’t be worth the risk. Last year my condition was getting a lot worse quite quickly. At first I was getting sharp pains every so often, but it was mostly just discomfort. I didn’t feel safe doing trampolining anymore, which I love, so I decided to try yoga. Slower movements and a lot less risk of me injuring myself. I had never really been interested in yoga, but I was definitely hooked. I really enjoyed it and became quite balanced and strong and confident with some of the poses. My condition then started to get worse and this problem was getting bigger and more painful. I still managed to do yoga but some things were quite painful. Laying down flat was one of them. At the beginning of each session we have a few minutes of mindfulness and meditation. We lay down flat on our mats and pay attention to our surroundings, how we feel, and how our body feels. In one session the teacher told us to draw attention to parts of our body that need a little love and attention. My tummy was hurting. So I sent all my positive energy to my tummy and focused on how it felt and what it needed. I knew that I was getting nearer and nearer having my operation. I was worried and scared and trying to imagine what lying like that would feel like after the operation. Then I started thinking, I might not even be here after the operation. But that wasn’t going to happen, I was stronger than all that. I couldn’t imagine not having any pain though. That was my last yoga session before I ended up in hospital. Three times, I always do things in threes! I was on very strong painkillers and I was definitely having my operation. I couldn’t sleep or get comfy at all. Pain is bearable when you are able to find a comfy position, so at least you get a bit of a break and are able to sleep. With this, there was no comfy position. So when I couldn’t sleep and I was trying to relax I used to think about what the yoga teacher would be saying to me. I was definitely mindful of the pain I was in, there was no doubt about that, but I tried to make sense of it all and meditate. I tried to take myself to a comfortable and happy place. 

The night before the operation I expected to be so nervous and scared and completely inconsolable.  But I wasn’t. I still couldn’t sleep because all of these things were going around in my head. I wasn’t too scared though. I was just awake. I didn’t really mind though. I didn’t want to go to sleep, because then I would wake up and it would be tomorrow. The day of the operation. I was quite happy as I was. I would get plenty of sleep tomorrow anyway. For years I had been thinking the worst about the operation and trying to prepare myself for something going wrong. It’s not that I didn’t trust the doctors, I didn’t trust my body. It has gone through a heck of a lot and I really didn’t know how much more it would take. The night before I was really surprised about how calm I was. After a bit I got bored and decided I should probably try and get some sleep. They were going to wake me up really early to get ready for the operation anyway. I was first on the list. I am diabetic and they said that diabetic people recover better when they have had their surgery in the morning. So I was first on the list, couldn’t decide whether that was a good thing or not. At least I wasn’t going to be waiting around all day. It took me ages to get to sleep, so again I tried a bit of mindfulness and meditation. We are all so busy getting on with our lives and we often don’t pay attention to what our bodies are saying. So in yoga they teach us to tune in to our bodies and think about how it feels, if anything hurts, if you have any aches or pains, your breathing, which parts of your body move when you breathe. Just taking a few minutes to listen to what our bodies are saying to us. That night, mine was saying “I hurt, and tomorrow I will hurt more, but I’ll be ok, because I’m strong and I have been through worse, and I’ll carry on being OK and I’ll get better”. 

I stayed really calm right until I went in to the anaesthetic room. They wanted to give me an epidural, and all of a sudden the operation didn’t seem so bad. It was the epidural I was scared of. The thought of it made me cringe, a lot. For anybody who doesn’t know what an epidural is, I would explain, but I can’t without cringing. So Google it, or ask somebody who is a Mum! 

The operation went really well. I would say it all went to plan but it didn’t, it went better than the plan.  It was planned that I would spend a few days in the High Dependency Unit and that I might need blood transfusions. I didn’t need any of that. I just spent a bit longer in recovery and then went back up to the ward. While I was in recovery I saw somebody who I went to school with. She works there and was looking after me. They say that you always look your worst when you see an ex or somebody from school. I definitely did that. Fresh from theatre, in loads of pain and fashioning a hospital gown and oxygen mask. Stylish! It was nice to see her though, chatting to her was a good distraction from the pain. They let my Mum and Dad in as well so I had them to distract me too. 

Other than when I first came out of theatre, I wasn’t in as much pain as I was before the operation.  It is crazy to think your own body can hurt you more than surgery. I was in a lot less pain than I expected. My Mum said that I had already been through the worst. I wouldn’t be in any more pain than I was before the operation, it might just feel different.  I didn’t believe her, but she was right. Don’t tell her I said that! It didn’t take long for me to feel better than I had done in months. 

Twelve weeks later I was back at yoga. It was hard because I hadn’t done it for so long. But it was so good to start moving again and doing something with my body. A few of the poses were actually easier, because my tummy had been sorted. I expected to maybe still be a bit tender and not be able to do some things just yet, but I could. I could do them better than before. At the beginning of the class we did the usual meditation. I was laid there thinking, it’s gone, it’s over, there is absolutely no pain in my tummy while I am laid here and it feels strange. But I like it!  Five years of worry have come to an end, I don’t know what to think about now that I haven’t got that to worry about. That took a lot of getting used to actually. 

Together my mind and body have worked as a team. Now I can get on with the rest of my life, each day getting stronger and feeling free again. 

A massive thank you to everybody who has looked after me so well at The Royal Hallamshire Hospital in Sheffield!