Week nine already? In some ways the weeks seem to be flying by, but then when I think about the last time things felt normal, it feels like so long ago. Things started to change slightly last week, the lockdown has eased a little. This is really good, but also very complicated and confusing. At least we are heading in the right direction, I just hope so much that it stays that way and that we keep moving forward. The sooner we all get to live normally again, the better. Even though the restrictions have eased slightly, things won’t be back to normal for a long time, if ever. For some people it will never be the same again. We came into the lockdown from one world and we will be leaving it into another. We never expected any of this did we?
If you have read my previous posts you will know that mentally I have been really struggling with the lockdown. Not being able to go out and keep my mind occupied is not doing me any good. Also the feeling that I have no control over my own life, it makes me feel really uncomfortable and trapped. In real life I always make sure that I have things to look forward to and that really does help to keep me focussed. In this life, lockdown life, I can’t do that. I can’t plan anything. So with no real plans, what is there to look forward to? Other than what feels like an imaginary end to the lockdown.
I have had issues with my mental health in the past, so this isn’t just the usual being fed up and not liking it. Some days I have been really down and depressed. For anybody who hasn’t experienced true depression before, it’s a darkness that takes over my way of thinking. I describe it as a level beyond sadness. And it makes it hard to see the good in things. Even the things that would normally cheer me up, don’t always have much of an effect. On a dark day, the chances are that nothing will really cheer me up. Things may help, but the darkness still comes back quite quickly. Then after a dark few days I am mentally and physically drained. I feel quite numb for a day or so as I gradually start to feel more positive. This week has probably been my darkest week in years. Everything felt so hopeless and like the lockdown would never really end. Luckily I am feeling a lot more positive today, but it has taken me five days to go through the process. Luckily I have some very supportive family and friends to help me through it.
I have also noticed that when I occasionally go out, I am feeling a lot more anxious. This isn’t just because of the virus, but my usual anxiety related to my sight loss. This may sound strange, but I feel that my eyes have got to used to not seeing beyond the four walls of my house. When I am outside there is so much more to see and I think my eyes can’t quite catch up. There are things in the distance, things that move, the weather and potential dangers to look out for. When I am in the house, everything is where it is and I don’t really have to use my eyes as much, because I know where everything is. I have got to used to staying in and that isn’t good. I knew it would happen though and it’s really annoying. I have spent so long building up my confidence and now all of that hard work has been undone. I feel like going back to normal is going to be a very nerve-wracking experience. Even so, it is something that I am so desperate to do sometime soon.
I really hope that all of my SRSB friends are doing well. I really hope I get to see you all soon. Xxx
